I am taking part in #SonOfAPitch, a manuscript pitching competition. I have pasted my entry below for deliberation and dismemberment:
Title: Traditor
Age and Genre: New Adult/Science Fiction
Word Count: 145,000
Query:
I am submitting my new adult novel, Traditor, for your consideration. Traditor is a tale of adventure and romance in a society where government surveillance has grown out of control. The novel follows protagonist Mer York’s escape as she joins a charming Dissenter on the run from government agents known as Company Men. Traditor deals with themes such as censorship, transgression, the intersection of humanity and technology, and individual accountability. Traditor is timely and engaging, particularly in light of scandals such as those surrounding Edward Snowden and Bradley Manning.
Traditor details Mer’s evolution into a heroine, and is as much about her development as it is her attempts to evade the Company Men and her burgeoning relationship with her newfound companion, Bryn. Although initially intending to sabotage Bryn’s plans, Mer begins to reevaluate her beliefs when she discovers that the chip he carries was designed by Company Men to control people’s minds. Mer decides to turn traitor and fight to keep the chip safe until its existence can be made known. Bryn and Mer seem to be in the clear until a comrade’s death leads to betrayal by one of their own. The book ends with Mer being implanted with the chip and interned in a facility for amnesiacs, which is in actuality a government detention center. This sets the stage for the second book in the trilogy.
I would be happy to send the full manuscript at your request. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Amy E. Allen
WightCrow@gmail.com
First 250 Words:
She was never sure what woke her. Maybe there was a noise; something she couldn’t remember when she was fully awake. Maybe it was some sort of sixth sense, the feeling that lets you know you’re being watched from behind. Whatever it was, Mer opened her eyes just as the heavy moon hid its face behind a cloudbank.
She lay immobile for a moment. She often woke before her alarm, a product of years of conditioning, years of dreading the moment the buzzer would go off. Normally it was two or three minutes before, however. Judging from darkness and the dead calm of her neighborhood Mer thought it must be much earlier: two at the very latest.
She should just go back to sleep. Maybe she ought to get up and take a pill? No, no need. Mer could feel fatigue pulling her under.
Her eyes had drifted shut, the wisps of dreams just beginning when Mer heard the creak.
Her first instinct was to sit up, but Mer forced herself to lie still. It was a neighbor, she told herself. Someone moving around their house upstairs.
There was another, softer this time. It’s the floorboards. This isn’t exactly a new place. Houses get old, houses groan. It’s nothing. Go back to bed.
Then she heard the creak again.
Mer lay still, tormented by indecision. Her mother had always gone out in search of such noises, armed with nothing more than determination. Her mother…it was painful to think about.
First things first, this ms is too wordy. Scifi should come in at 90,000 to 125,000 words tops. The more famous you or your novels become, the more words you can use and expect to be published.
ReplyDeleteWhy? Simply because it costs more to publish books with huge word counts and not many are going to risk spending more money on an unknown writer.
So if you want to attract an agent/publisher, my advice to you is to revise/edit, whittling this tome down to a manageable word count.
The title of a book should be all caps: TRADITOR.
Query:
The last two sentences of the first paragraph tell us nothing about this story. Likewise the first sentence of the next paragraph.
A query has to be brief and get right to the point. No cliches or descriptive devices. You want to grab the reader's attention and make them want to read the pages.
So, something like this:
When Mer(discovers something/something exciting happens), she must(choose to do something/something exciting happens). If something exciting happens, something exciting will happen.
250 words:
Good writing!
Good Luck in the contest!
The premise of the book peaks my interest. I think if you lead the query with and focus it around the novel's key problem/conflict - the mind control chip - it could be tightened.
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 sets up a good mystery and builds tension in the reader leaving them wondering what is that noise? Best of luck!
I would love this story to get the chance it deserves.So I gave you some suggestions to better.Its upto you to listen to my advice or not.Also JAM is right.You need to think about cutting it down to atleast 110,000 Words.Again its upto you.
ReplyDeleteDear Agent,
(Age?)Mer York escapes as she joins a charming Dissenter(who is this person?) on the run from government agents known as Company Men. Traditor deals with themes such as censorship, transgression, the intersection of humanity and technology, and individual accountability. (Themes is a absolute no-no. Dont mention it.Trust me,I have learned my lesson) Traditor is timely and engaging, particularly in light of scandals such as those surrounding Edward Snowden and Bradley Manning.
"Mer's attempts to evade the Company Men and her burgeoning relationship with her newfound companion, Bryn leads to several complucations"(domething like that but more detailed.Since I dont know this story,i am just guessing here). Although initially intending to sabotage Bryn’s plans, Mer begins to reevaluate her beliefs when she discovers that the chip he carries was designed by Company Men to control people’s minds. Mer decides to turn traitor and fight to keep the chip safe until its existence can be made known. Bryn and Mer seem to be in the clear until a comrade’s death leads to betrayal by one of their own. The book ends with Mer being implanted with the chip and interned in a facility for amnesiacs, which is in actuality a government detention center. (dont give away the ending.Entice us but dont tell us everything that happens.BTW awesome plot twist.The nerd in me just gave a squeal)
TRADITOR is a 145,000 word NA SciFi with series potential.
I would be happy to send the full manuscript at your request.(avoid writing this)
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Amy E. Allen
I am sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but I am just trying to help.All the best for the next round :))
The query presents a potentially exciting and interesting novel, but it does have a tendency to go off at tangents and describe the book rather than telling us what happens. It might be worth revising the query to give a breakdown of the plot.
ReplyDeleteShow us that the book has a logical stream of causation--Character does A which leads to B then C even though they actually wanted to get to D. Show us the protag's goal then take us through the obstacles she meets trying to attain that goal. Also, tell us what will happen if she doesn't reach her goal. What's at stake? The more, the better.
Tbh, I don't think listing the themes in the middle of the action is all that engaging compared to telling us about who or what the protag has to fight, and what'll happen if they lose.
145k wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker if the book justified its length. Unfortunately I don't think this does when the narrative spends the first 250 words with the protag waking up then lying awake wondering what to do next. Sad to say, it's not the most compelling opening--and it's also one that many agents say to avoid.
It's okay, though--I bet there's more exciting stuff later on. Many novels start in the wrong place. The trick is to find the right place and cut everything that goes before. It may hurt but we've all had to do it.
I think this would work better if she heard the floorboard creak, remembered her mother always dealt with weird sounds in the night, then leapt out of bed to avoid thinking about her mother. You could do that in a paragraph and I'm not sure the story would lose much.
Anyway, best of luck with it--you have a strong SFnal premise to work with.
Thank you guys so much for your comments! They're all immensely helpful, and I'm going to incorporate them into my updated query.
ReplyDeleteIf you're also participating in #SonOfAPitch, best of luck!
Heya, thanks for stopping by and comenting on my SoaP entry (saaay that's a good acronym).
ReplyDeleteYour query is more like a condensed synopsis. Normally queries only cover the first few chapters, or possibly act 1 and they're told in more the style you'd see on the back cover of a novel. It sounds interesting, but I feel you're doing too much tell and not enough show. Also, 145K word count is enough to get most agents nervous. It can work, but they're going to be extra cautious.
I've heard it said many times, don't start your novel with a pronoun. We need to get to know your character ASAP, so why make us wait for a detail like that? Wake-up openings are really big cliches, and while it can be done, as with the long word count, you're setting yourself up for agents to be extremely picky.
Here, unfortunately, is where most agents would leave it, IMO. With the two strikes already against your story, you spend the whole first page detailing a couple of creaks. I know you're trying to build tension, but there's just not enough here. Your words need to multi-task, build tension, develop character, introduce conflict, develop narrative, all smoothly coalescing together. In this case it's almost all about the tension and we only get a couple of throwaway lines about her mother to develop character.
I think you write well, but this is not the right place to begin your story. Finding that sweet spot between too early and too late is one of the toughest things for me to do and I suspect many other writers feel the same. I'd encourage you to skim ahead to the first conflict OR the point where everything in Mer's life changes and try starting there to see how it flows.
Good luck with SoaP!